
Tankar, tacksamhet och förundran
Sånt jag tänker på idag:
Att den här veckan blev oändligt mycket bättre än förra veckan.
Om sammanbrottet p g a stress och kaos kändes en nysning bort förra veckan, så blev det det motsatta denna vecka. Ytterst tacksam för det!
En torsdagspromenad.
I ett mörkt och regnvått elljusspår med en ny vän som jag tidigare bara sms:at och mailat med. Ett fint samtal och som alltid lättnaden att kunna gå rakt på sak och prata ärligt med någon som förstår. När man inte behöver linda in sin skörhet utan kan blotta sina tankar, funderingar och rädslor utan att vara jobbig. Cancerbaksmällan, som en ryggsäck man alltid bär på.
Funderingarna om framtiden 1.
Det jag läste inne hos Angie kunde nästan vara mina egna ord:
Cancer föder en del förändring. För mig, att döstäda och flytta, både i tid och rum. Längtan efter mindre. Mindre av ansvar och ägande. Mindre av tyngd. Tillbaka till hyresrätt, tillbaka till centralt. Enkelt, nära, ändring. Att förbereda sig för både liv och död på samma gång, på samma sätt. @trippelnegativ
Funderingarna på var vi ska bo? En önskan om att bo mindre och äga färre saker. I fantasin säljer vi huset och alla möbler och börjar om, helst vill jag bygga ett litet, timrat hus och se himlen när jag vaknar. I praktiken pratar vi om lägenheter, köpa eller hyresrätt. T o m en bostad kan kännas för mycket att äga, ibland.
Funderingarna om framtiden 2.
Mitt psyke hoppar ständigt fram och tillbaka, upp och ner. Den 3/3 var det trippenegativa bröstvancerdagen (TNBC Day), lärde jag mig. En kväll som fick mitt psyke att dippa totalt, när allt plötsligt kom tillbaka. Tankarna. Håll dig frisk i fem år så är risken minimal att bli sjuk igen. Fast risken för återfall är högre med trippelnegativ bc. Ångest. Det går inte att sopa dom tankarna under mattan, men nu har jag bestämt mig för att tänka så här:
Jag var sjuk och överlevde. Om jag blir sjuk igen, så ska jag också överleva igen!
Som en bröstsyster skrev på instagram: ”Vi håller andan och ser framåt samtidigt!”
Just så.
Fredagar.
En fullständig bliss. Jag får tid att ägna mig åt det som får mig att må allra bäst, att skapa miljöer att må bra i, inredningar i balans. Just nu håller jag på med mina certifieringsuppgifter.
Träningen.
Jag började dagen på gymmet, med veckans fjärde träningspass. Jag följer ett program som innebär ca 30 minuters träning, fem dagar i veckan. Det passar mig perfekt! Jag har insett att en timmes träning alltid innebär minst en dags återhämtning, helst två. Den träning som funkade innan jag blev sjuk, den funkar helt enkelt inte nu. Tog bara ett år att acceptera, hehe.
Men en halvtimme, med ett skonsammare upplägg, det har i alla fall fungerat i en vecka. Utan att jag blivit sjuk, som jag blivit varenda gång tidigare (under hösten och vintern) när jag försökt följa ett program. Och det bästa nu är att jag faktiskt vill iväg till gymmet, jag vet att jag slipper baksmällan.
Så kaxig man kan bli då, efter fyra träningspass på en vecka 😉 Man kan ju tro att jag kört hårt i ett år, haha!
Trevlig helg!
Pusha gärna hjärtat om du gillar!


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